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I think every parent and child should be taught this. It could save thousands of lives every year:

ISR (Infant Swimming Resource) teaches children how to roll, float, and swim.

Visit their website for more info:

http://www.childdrowningprevention.com/

It’s going to be hard. I don’t know when he’s leaving, but it must be sometime soon. It breaks my heart just a little bit more every day. There’s just… something about it that I can’t pin down. That I can’t… let go.

I gave Erika one of Eithne’s bracelets last night. Silver Celtic design. We had an issue over tutoring and I felt like she just couldn’t understand that we cared. That we were just another cog in the system fucking with her life; so I gave her the bracelet and told her to look at it whenever she felt we were getting on her about crap. Because if I gave her something so important to me, it’s obvious that we care about her a lot. I think she understood.

I have strep throat. Or so it feels like. I think I’m going to have to go to the Dr today (again). I just can’t get better. I’ve been awake since 5.30am. Not helpful. I see Barbara today–that at least should be helpful.

Sometimes I just feel so out_of_control of my life and my body. Especially when it comes to getting sick and getting well like this…

I lie, staring blankly at the ceiling. The memory of her hand gently caressing my face fades into the misty half-morning light. I fade with it. Sway of back, arch of breast echoed in each tear that trickles slowly down my pale cheeks and tumbles unwittingly into oblivion. I wish I could tumble with them. The whitewashed sky folds its suffocating embrace around the skeletal trees–and I exhale.

Another day.

I sit and I think, as I seem to do every morning, over my coffee. It’s been seven years I’ve been here.

Seven long years.
What have I done in those seven years?

Mostly, it would seem, I have wasted them. Created more problems than I have fixed.
So I sit, watching another mourning pass me by and wait for something to come to me.

It doesn’t.

I think about writing my life, but I laugh.
There are already a million books of a million lives like mine.

So I was abused my whole life. So I should be dead.
I don’t think I’m best seller material. I’m just another broken mirror, another shattered window.
Discarded and useless.

The sky is washed out, pale, hugging the trees fearfully.
I am scared. My past isn’t so far away and the future is too many tomorrows.

Today … today is washed out and pale,
and I hug my knees fearfully.

I hate it.
I hate him

I hate remembering randomly the acts of violence against my
smaller self
powerless
pointless existence

I am just a thing
Like a strung out
necklace
it’s orbs stretching into
eternity

Beaten.
Raped.
Hated.
Hidden.
Starved.

Welcome to
my childhood.

Someone helped me out in a way I didn’t expect, and it totally threw me off yesterday. I didn’t quite know what to say–and still don’t. But, it helped me so much. I still feel guilty, but I can’t let that feeling win. I know that.

It’s peaceful here today. Finally everyone is at school. R is happy and jiggling in his chair and the dogs are sprawled happily in the sun. I slept 12 hours and feel somewhat recovered. Yesterday I was about ready to drive myself into a wall… and I think just about everyone knew it.

I’ve had a lot less time to focus on the shape of me lately, barely able to stuff enough food in to keep going. But still sometimes I think “ugh” and wonder if I could do it. Other people do it. Why not me? Then I hear someone and have to go fix whichever kid it is…

Well. My coffee is going cold again, and I can smell the baby from here…

I Totally Agree!!

Sometimes it’s the little things that make all the difference….

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing. Other times I think I have an idea of where I would like to go and where my path is headed.

I looked so happy two years ago. Christmas day. What happened? I lost 40 pounds. Lost my family, gained a new one, lost and gained so many different things. *sigh* It’s been a strange time for me. I feel invisible, yet conversely I feel entirely too visible. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just tired.

One thing is for certain, I can’t wait for the 24th and our trip down to TN and Paige’s house. Phoenix is so excited to see the boys. He already wants to start packing. I do too!!!

It’s going to be The Best Christmas Ever!