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I think every parent and child should be taught this. It could save thousands of lives every year:

ISR (Infant Swimming Resource) teaches children how to roll, float, and swim.

Visit their website for more info:

The communist government’s leading newspaper called Saturday to “resolutely crush” Tibetan demonstrations against Chinese rule.

The statement came as international criticism against the crackdown on Tibetan protesters swelled.

Monks protest in Dharamsala

Going through the photos coming out of Dharamsala, I intake a breath sharply as I recognize some of the people I met this time last year when I was there. It seems so strange to me now. Only one year later. I feel so USELESS over here. What can I do? It seems so hard to be here and so white.

Faces in the crowd stand out to me. My heart leaps. I remember their kindness and their assuredness that Tibet would once again be home.

It’s going to be hard. I don’t know when he’s leaving, but it must be sometime soon. It breaks my heart just a little bit more every day. There’s just… something about it that I can’t pin down. That I can’t… let go.

I gave Erika one of Eithne’s bracelets last night. Silver Celtic design. We had an issue over tutoring and I felt like she just couldn’t understand that we cared. That we were just another cog in the system fucking with her life; so I gave her the bracelet and told her to look at it whenever she felt we were getting on her about crap. Because if I gave her something so important to me, it’s obvious that we care about her a lot. I think she understood.

I have strep throat. Or so it feels like. I think I’m going to have to go to the Dr today (again). I just can’t get better. I’ve been awake since 5.30am. Not helpful. I see Barbara today–that at least should be helpful.

Sometimes I just feel so out_of_control of my life and my body. Especially when it comes to getting sick and getting well like this…

Someone helped me out in a way I didn’t expect, and it totally threw me off yesterday. I didn’t quite know what to say–and still don’t. But, it helped me so much. I still feel guilty, but I can’t let that feeling win. I know that.

It’s peaceful here today. Finally everyone is at school. R is happy and jiggling in his chair and the dogs are sprawled happily in the sun. I slept 12 hours and feel somewhat recovered. Yesterday I was about ready to drive myself into a wall… and I think just about everyone knew it.

I’ve had a lot less time to focus on the shape of me lately, barely able to stuff enough food in to keep going. But still sometimes I think “ugh” and wonder if I could do it. Other people do it. Why not me? Then I hear someone and have to go fix whichever kid it is…

Well. My coffee is going cold again, and I can smell the baby from here…

I Totally Agree!!

Too many thoughts. Talked to B today… but had to take R, so we couldn’t talk about much. I really needed to talk to her and not being able to sort of… made me really sad. I’m supposed to see her on Friday. She took a couple photos of him on her cell phone and one of little R and I.

Which made me feel kind of special.

^ This is the one I took. He looks so cute…

Other than that I am feeling a little… strange. I applied to OSU for photography starting fall 2008. I have to wait to hear from them. I am nervous. I’d love to do it, but we’ll see. I am working on my website portfolio at the moment–so I guess once that’s done I’ll feel better. Plus I am trying to work on my book, but little R doesn’t make it easy!!

I feel so disconnected from everyone at the moment. I feel on the edge of some mammoth breakthrough that will allow me to finally conquer so many things. But, I also feel so terribly afraid to take that final step. I am not even really sure what that step entails, I just know I don’t feel ready to take it.Sometimes, denial isn’t such a bad thing.

“If you can dream it, you can do it. Your limits are all within yourself.” – Brian Tracy

Sitting holding little R, staring into his eyes, and noticing the change from the flat unconnected stare to the bright mischevious grinning boy he is now, I finally put things together.

The anorexia has always been about connection for me. Trying desperately to find that ‘mother’ figure to find the connection I did not have with my own. I always remember, there was only one picture of my mother holding me as a baby. She glared somewhere off into the distance, the distain barely hidden. In contrast the similar picture of her holding my brother, shows a bright interested smile.

I don’t think my mother held (except to feed) or looked at me directly all of my life. So right from the start I am missing that important connection with someone. I never knew that feeling. I can approximate it from the otherside with R, but still it is not there…

And I know that’s what the anorexia was. A way to force action from other people, a way to force myself into situations where care would have to be given–where I’d be fed like a baby, treated with that fragile care, and loved back into this world.

Only it never happened.

But… I think I can get some of that feeling from others. Barbara brought more stuff over today… two strollers (fancy ones!) and one with a carseat that goes on it and one carseat just for the car. I can’t believe it. She told me to call her this week–over thanksgiving really, on her cell as she’ll be at “the mountain house”. I took R to see her last week and she held him while I drank tea and we cooed over him. She couldn’t believe how bonded he was already–and I think that’s what made me think about this more. Erna came to say hi too, and she asked if I worked at the Y. “No,” Barbara said, “She’s one of mine.”

For some reason that made me smile real big inside.

Well, it’s almost The Day. Sometimes, if I sit still long enough I wonder what in hell’s name I am doing. Taking the focus off me for a while? But, you know… I don’t think that there’s any point focusing ON me forever. I am never going to be entirely comfortable with my past. I am never going to embrace it or ask it to sit and drink tea, but maybe it’s okay to be me and not focus on the past. Maybe no one else needs to validate anything at all. Life is weird.

I don’t understand it most of the time, and I am beginning to think I don’t want to.


It’s only a few days until we welcome our first foster child “R”. I am excited. He was born September 28th and so is still very small. Barbara is bringing over a crib tomorrow. We have one here, but she wanted to donate one complete with mattress to our cause. A lot of Phoenix’s old clothes were in the basement, so they’re washed and folded ready. Amie is making giraffe curtains this weekend (Thank You!!) specially. It’s such a big… thing. If only he knew. Maybe one day he will, even though it is unfortunate his mother is currently sick, he is giving me great joy.

It’s hard to comprehend some days. In the space of a week I’ve done a 180 degree emotional turnaround and now we’re getting “R” on Tuesday. Just one week after the first call. Seems so strange. It’s exaclty what I wanted and felt I needed, but all this waiting now is driving me insane. I guess getting the crib will give me something to focus on… getting it all set up and made and with a little stuffy for him. And finishing the room off… taking the remnants of the Halloween party out of there and setting the cute pictures back up. I also need to clean the diaper genie and figure out the old straps on Phoenix’s car seat to turn it back into a baby seat… errr….

Oh… and go here: