I woke up today and realized exactly what is wrong:
I am surrounded by people who know what they want to do or what they want to be and are actively pursuing it. Whether it be a writer, an artist, a therapist–whatever. And here I am; Jack of all trades, mistress of none. It’s like I just stepped off the precipice and am hanging for a moment midair, before I tumble and turn through the chaos.
I’m so confused. I don’t know what I want to be or do. I keep thinking I’ve found it, but then something always happens to throw it all back into turmoil. I was planning to attend law school Fall 2008. Now I’ll be lucky to graduate before then. My health is seriously making me question everything. If I went to law school I’d do international law and human rights law–but I have lost the drive to push myself through such an intensive and expensive program.
In a lot of ways being sick is causing me to question my priorities and what I want out of life. I want to help people, I want to be a writer, a photographer, I want to travel, I want to have more children…
I have lost my focus, lost my drive. I’m confused and I don’t know where to turn. I watch so many doing things that they want to, they’re living their dreams–dancers, painters, singers, writers–and I must sit and watch, always.
I’m just not meant to *be* anything…
I don’t know. What happened to me? I feel myself disappearing a little more every day… maybe one day I’ll be gone altogether.