The gulf grows wider, and I wonder whether it’s me or them. Sometimes I think it’s me and that nagging mantra of self-doubt. I wonder when I ceased being important. Somewhere between the last episode of House and calling for Chinese. Bare branches crisscross the window like long-healed scars and I close my eyes.

My thoughts, with lives of their own
Flash and flutter
Rise and fall
Come and go
So many butterflies outside my window

And I smile
and I slow
my thoughts
to rest.

Motionless, effortless, all quiet.

Silence; for a moment birdsong echoes. For a moment I’m caught in the simple beauty of the world, but then creeping doubt crawls into the vacant spaces whispering “am I good enough?” through gritted teeth.

I don’t know when I lost you all, I don’t know when I lost myself.

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