The torrential rain made everything misty and ethereal yesterday. I wish I could have been feeling that way. I was really sick last night. Thought it was going to be trip in an ambulance kind of sick. I feel a little better today–I guess I really do need to see the specialist on friday, whether or not I want to.

I got my visa for India for yesterday, I’m so excited. I still can’t believe it’s going to happen. Maybe it won’t if I keep getting sicker like I am. I have to believe that it’s going to be okay. I have to.

I was hoping to feel a bit better today–as I wanted to begin clearing things out. I want to get rid of all of the crap we have around here that we don’t use. I’m going to have Phoenix sort out his toys that he doesn’t play with so we can donate them. He already understands that some people don’t have as much as we do–so he doesn’t mind giving away some of his toys.

Then we have so much… I don’t even know what to call it… crap? Just stuff we don’t need, stuff that’s suffocating us. Stuff stuff stuff. I have papers and cards and things I don’t need to keep, but for some reason I just can’t get rid of. That old attachment issue.

“Sometimes I think that the greatest achievement of modern culture is its brilliant selling of samsara (living in a state of illusion and its barren distractions). Modern society seems to me a celebration of all the things that lead away from the truth, make truth hard to live for, and discourage people from even believing that it exists. And to think that all this springs from a civilization that claims to adore life, but actually starves it of any real meaning; that endlessly speaks of making people ‘happy’, but in fact blocks their way to the source of real joy.”

So often it is only when people suddenly feel they are losing their partner that they realize how much they love them. Then they cling on even tighter. But the more they grasp, the more the other person escapes them, and the more fragile the relationship becomes.

So often we want happiness, but the very way we pursue it is so clumsy and unskillful that it brings only more sorrow. Usually we assume we must grasp in order to have that something that will ensure our happiness. We ask ourselves: “How can we possibly enjoy anything if we cannot own it?” How often attachment is mistaken for love!

Even when the relationship is a good one, love can be spoiled by attachment with its insecurity, possessiveness, and pride; and then when love is gone, all you have left to show for it are the “souvenirs” of love, the scars of attachment.