So, Britney Spears shaved her head amid a swathe of media attention and questions. Why did she do it? The timing is impeccable. The media world being focused on other things. It makes me sad for her, that she is in such a place of turmoil that she would do such a thing for the attention, seemingly with little thought.

I shaved my head when I was eleven years old. Not quite as close cut as Britney, but it was still a similar statement. I was abused sexually, physically and emotionally my whole childhood–I felt a huge sense of violation and embarrassment. I figured if I chopped my hair off I could be less female. I was also very underweight and easily passed as a boy. People were so shocked and backed away frightened. They interrogated my parents about why did she do it? How could you let her? Why why why???

me age 13

Here I am a year and a half or two after the head_shaving incident. I couldn’t actually find the one of me with it really, really short (most of my photos are still back in the UK, but I thought I remembered having that particular photo here). In this pic I’ve gained about 10 or 15 pounds and my hair is a lot longer… but the effect is still pretty much the same. (As a total aside, I loved those roller boots!)

Sometimes now, I still want to do it again. To rid myself of one more … societal expectation. To be ‘pretty’ I have to be a certain weight, wear certain clothes, and have my hair a certain way. I am still drawn to the ascetic lifestyle. Just go live in a cabin, devote myself to the pursuit of nothingness and eschew all forms of desire.

Sounds so nice and simple, doesn’t it?

Today has been a bad day. I may vlog about it later. I think I may also start a fast tomorrow. Or, start now. There’s a lot to be said for physical purity.

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